Day 35 Seasons of Life

Day 35

I can't wait til spring.

Actually I can't wait til summer because spring is awfully windy here. But I am looking forward to color coming back to the trees and grass. Time passes so quickly it seems. It seems just last year as we were heading into Fall we got a phone call from our case worker saying "A birthmother has chosen you."

I actually was walking on my treadmill. I had to get off so I wouldn't stumble.  I couldn't believe it. Wow we had actually been chosen and we would be meeting her the following week. I did not sleep or eat for those days and I over thought everything. What am I going to wear. Thinking I hope she likes us. I hope I hope I hope. Then we met her. Jeremy Brae And I. She was beautiful, sweet and a little shy. It all went well. Tears were shed and I felt so good and she said when she saw us she knew we were it.

We were so ecstatic. The baby was due in March. Things seemed to be going great. She and I went to lunch talked on the phone for hours. Then all of the sudden the relationship dropped off noticeably.  Then here and there emails but that was the extent. Then there was absolutley nothing. It's been weeks now since the final feeling of it not going through. What a painful process. I remember right before Thanksgiving everything was going well and I was in sacrament meeting and I had this overwhelming feeling that we were not to have this baby. I started to cry and after sacrament Jeremy took me home. As were driving home he said whats wrong are you sad about your dad. I said no. I went on to say what I felt and he said ok. Nothing bad had even given a glimpse to know what I was feeling was to come true. But it has. Painful must I say. Now as we change seasons I hope the heartache will subside and change also. I need to know again and gain testimony that we ARE supposed to adopt. Having trouble with that at the moment. Things have never come easy in our lives.

I got an email from my brother after I told my family. No BABY. He said the sweetest thing that when he sees the picture of Braelyn on his fridge he knows that she is a miracle. I know that too. I can't forget that either. It made me realize I can't live for the things I want in life but to be grateful for the things that surround me now.  LOVE.

I do love my simple life.

I love my husband.

I love my family.

I love my miracle Brae.

Life IS good.